by JENNIFER GOODSON, LMHC, MA
Do you find you always say “yes” to others but “no” to yourself? Are you constantly putting others first at the sacrifice of your family or yourself, saying yes to others to make them feel better or gaining approval? Growing up, we are always told to use our manners. Say please and thank you. Always greet everyone with a smile or kind words. While these are noble and sound interactions, people pleasers go above and beyond the norm for various reasons.
We can find ourselves stretched too thin, struggling to express our opinions or say no when needed for fear of disappointing others, rejection, or not meeting others’ expectations. We create these response patterns, placing ourselves in a box of default yes when inside we are screaming, “No!” At the end of the day, we are exhausted, facing burnout, and not any further than where we began.
People-pleasing is a coping mechanism for many who have experienced some form of trauma, family dysfunction, or anxiety. Those with anxiety may fear being abandoned or rejected by others. In comparison, one who fears conflict may engage in people-pleasing to avoid stressful situations and appease others.
People-pleasing is an easy trap to fall into when we lack healthy boundaries and do not know our value. When we create this default response pattern, we will experience more stress, anxiety, resentment, lack of self-worth, unhealthy relationships, exhaustion, and loss of joy.
Common signs you are a people pleaser:
- You cannot say “no.”
- You fear the opinions others have about you.
- Your time for yourself is always limited.
- You feel guilty when setting boundaries.
- You apologize for things you did not do to appease others or avoid conflict.
- Your need for approval or reassurance is constant.
- You do not express your emotions in front of others or share how you truly feel.
- Low self-esteem is your normal state of belief in self.
- You always agree with others to gain approval.
- Your personality changes depending on who you are with.
- You overcommit to others.
So, you’re thinking, “Yes! This is me! Now what?”
To stop the default pattern of people-pleasing:
- Take time to make decisions.
- Schedule time for yourself.
- Make a list of your priorities and time takers. If the list does not match, make some changes.
- Set healthy boundaries.
- Consider who is requesting it and why it’s important to have their approval.
- Don’t apologize for saying “no” or something you are not responsible for doing/saying.
If this is you, begin to make small changes in response to others’ requests. If you find it hard to set healthy boundaries and are overwhelmed with guilt or fear of rejection, you may want to consider seeking help from a professional. They will help you learn the root cause of why you are seeking the approval of others and learn to trust yourself and know your value.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jennifer Goodson, MA, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor with an office in Winter Haven, FL. She holds a Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Regent University in Virginia Beach, Virginia. For more information, visit www.pathwaycounselingservice.com.