by JENNIFER GOODSON, LMHC, MA
Today, I was teaching my college students about the psychodynamic perspective of behavior relating to the unconscious slips of the tongue. It’s the belief that unconsciously, our hidden thoughts and desires will eventually surface in time. The idea I left with them was “out of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Of course, many of you will say ‘Hey! That sounds like scripture.’ Yes, that is true. (Luke 6:45) Regardless of the source, the context is valid.
What we ponder open, invest our time in, and choose to not work through will eventually pour out in speech. So, why bring this up? Our heart is the beating source of connection with others. We were created to feel loved and to have a sense of belonging. Experiencing genuine connection begins with vulnerability and transparency. When one of these is blocked, we will experience only superficial relationships. Our current relationships will become disjointed. However, while our hearts are empty and void of genuine connection, our words will flow, depicting our true stance on where we currently reside.
In a conversation with my husband this past week, we discussed how difficult it is for most marriages to survive in our time. We’ve been together 34 years, married 30, and believe me, marriage takes work. It’s not about the fancy frills or feelings of love. Love is a daily commitment, not a feeling. We came to discuss how when a partner’s needs are being met, there is a guard around the relationship and the door is closed to distraction or temptation. It does not mean things won’t come knocking, but we are less likely to open the door and entertain.
So how are the two connected – out of the heart, the mouth speaks – if there is a void, a need not being met in a relationship, the first sign is a disconnect, shutting down, and isolation, not only in a nonverbal stance but verbal. A partner will begin to voice what they want, more connection either physically, intellectually, or emotionally. When one partner communicates this and the other is not listening, statements will surface. Such as, ‘You don’t love me anymore,’ ‘I can’t do anything right,’ and ‘You seem to be criticizing me a lot lately.’ Disconnection from your partner can manifest as being indifferent to them, feeling numb, being overcritical, or, the most common, ‘It is like we are roommates.’
The most common questions I’m asked by couples in this situation are:
- How do we reconnect when my partner does not believe anything is wrong with the relationship?
- How can I communicate what I need when my partner is so detached?
There are so many ways to answer these questions, but for now, let’s keep it simple. Obviously, whatever pattern has been created is not working and is causing a deadlock.
Make conversation intentional. Talk about things you’ve not talked about before. Don’t be afraid to go deeper in communication.
Being vulnerable with your partner is not something you need to overthink. Just do it. The key to vulnerability is to remain regulated emotionally when conversing. Emotional regulation in conversation creates a safe atmosphere for each to feel secure and open.
Stay focused on one another. Put all distractions away, such as phones, television, and computers, and shut them down.
Place defensiveness aside by listening to one another to understand, not only respond.
Always put your marriage first before your children. The nest will be empty in years to come, and what you build on now lays the foundation for continued adventure and growth in marriage.
Whether it is reciprocated or not, show kindness in speech and action.
Make time for each other in the middle of the day. Plan lunch breaks, whether meeting in person or by phone. Stop the world and be still with one another.
Show affection before parting ways in the mornings and rejoining in the evenings. Physical touch longer than 30 seconds gets the oxytocin going (the love hormone) and creates more profound levels of bonding between partners.
Most importantly, set healthy boundaries that protect your relationships. Boundaries with extended family members, your children, your work, and other outside commitments.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jennifer Goodson, MA, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor with an office in Winter Haven, FL, a Professor of Psychology at Warner University in Lake Wales, FL, and a transformational speaker. She holds a Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Regent University in Virginia Beach, Virginia. For more information, visit www.pathwaycounselingservice.com.